Dear New York City,

Shut up, shut up, shut up!!! I have spent 10 nights here and have yet to sleep an hour without waking up, and you should know that I have been sleeping through the night with no problem for about 26 years now. What is going on out there ALL NIGHT long? Will Smith told me when I was in high school that "New York is the city that we know don't sleep" but even if NY doesn't sleep, I would still like to. Every night it's the same thing. Several super-loud garbage trucks start rolling in around midnight and stay well over an hour. Loudly beeping as they back up, making loud crashes as they drop things, and just completely disturbing my peace. Then, some construction people join the garbage truck people and they all have one big party until around 5:00 AM. I wake up 2-3 times an hour (and not a quick wake up and fall right back to sleep, more like the sudden jolt into a sitting up position, wide-awake kind). Imagine the kind of sleep you would get if a helicopter were hovering right outside your bedroom window and a big swinging ball was knocking the building next to yours down and a person stood on the sidewalk under your window clanging cymbals. That's the kind of sleep I've gotten for the last week and a half. New York, I am tired. I have tried using a sound machine. My husband didn't even know it was turned on thanks to all your ruckus. As I'm lying awake at all hours of the night I take pleasure in imaging what I would like to do to the noise makers outside. I have pictured myself as Granny from the Beverly Hillbillies, hanging out my 7th floor window with a bb gun and screaming mean southern phrases at the ones who rob me from my sleep each night, occasionally shooting one or two people in the butt as they take off running down the street to get away from the crazy hillbilly. Now I would like to thank you, New York, for taking the time to place signs on all of the streets that say "No Honking. $350 Fine." However, this sign does not seem to scare your taxi drivers one little bit. They honk non-stop. I can report to you that they have been completely ignoring your signs 10 nights in a row. I have heard really long honks that say "The light turned green, get out of my way!!" I have also heard the two beep honk that says "Hey, friend." What are we going to do about this? If you want my help, I will be happy to start passing out $350 fines. I could really use the money to buy earplugs and have new sound-proof walls and windows installed in my apartment. Think about it and get back to me. Call anytime, I'm always awake.

Sincerely,
Exhausted Southerner

P.S. Some Yankees have the reputation of being a bit cranky or aggressive. Give them a break, they haven't had a good night's sleep in their life! Another week of this and there's a good chance I will be cranky and aggressive! Maybe I already am...